Chris: Riona, where... where on Earth did you get this photograph?
Robert: No need to sound so perturbed, Chris. It's the human body, that's all; we've all got one.
Riona: It's from a video in which Robert gives advice on public speaking.
Chris: How long did it take you to track that down? Did you spend hours looking for something to illustrate this... frankly unpleasant page on your website?
Riona: Oh, no, of course not. I had this picture saved to my computer months before I decided to make this website.
Chris: Er. Why?
Robert: Can you really blame her, Chris?
Riona: Now that I check, I actually saved it under the name 'please don't ask me why i saved this.jpg'.
Anyway! Here are my thoughts on the masturbation habits of the members of the Cornley Drama Society. Look, you asked for this. Unless you landed here in some way other than clicking the clearly labelled link, in which case a) you're probably in the wrong place, and b) I'm very sorry about all this.
Chris considers masturbation distasteful and beneath him. If he finds himself aroused, he will attempt to ignore it until it goes away.
Robert essentially just thinks masturbation is a bit of a waste of time. When he's aroused, he'll investigate whether it's feasible to have sex with the source of his arousal. If not, he'll just ignore it, like Chris. (But probably more successfully than Chris.)
Sandra prefers sex to masturbation and will seek it out when she's in the mood.
Annie goes through moods; she might go a few weeks without feeling any particular urge to touch herself, and then wank so vigorously she bleeds.
Vanessa does not masturbate and finds the thought slightly scandalous. She's not great at even identifying when she's aroused. Why is she feeling so weird and warm? A mystery that may never be solved. (Alternatively, she schedules her masturbation at a specific time every week.)
Max will masturbate when he feels the need, but he's not a big fan; he finds the experience a little lonely.
Dennis attempted to masturbate once, got it wrong and concluded he doesn't know what all the fuss is about. (A friend of mine envisions Dennis petting a rooster: "I have to admit, this is nice.")
Jonathan gets his cock caught in his zip whenever he attempts to masturbate and has given up trying.
Trevor just wanks when he's turned on, like a normal person; he doesn't know what's wrong with you lot.