An anonymous question I received on Tumblr: I was going to ask "shag marry kill" for the Goes Wrong crew, but there are too many of them! How many of them are there, nine? Okay. Shag, marry, kill, roommate, stuck in elevator with, fake married to, coworker, owe £10000 to, unexpectedly related to. I think that's nine.

Interesting to contemplate! Here are my answers.

Shag: Robert. It's unlikely to be a good idea, but, look, if I've got to shag one of them, I'm going to shag the hottest man in the world.

Marry: Vanessa. I don't want to be married to anyone, and I think Vanessa's likely to accept 'actually, this was a mistake, wasn't it? let's get divorced' without complaint. Even if we end up permanently married, Vanessa is one of the more liveable-with members of the society, despite being a little high-strung.

Kill: Jonathan. He won't be able to get through the pearly gates, and they'll have to send him back to Earth.

Roommate: Annie. She's very warm and friendly and enthusiastic; I think we'd get along!

Owe £10,000 to: Dennis. He will forget, meaning I can pay him back in small instalments over a long period without Dennis ever hounding me or getting upset; he will, in fact, be surprised and delighted every time I give him money.

Unexpectedly related to: Maybe Max? He seems to have a wealthy and supportive family, after all! Maybe they can help out with the £10,000 I owe to Dennis.

At this point I realise, to my mild horror, that I have to choose between Chris and Trevor for 'stuck in elevator with' and 'fake married to'.

Stuck in elevator with: Chris. He will be stressed out, but he is a better option than Trevor, who will attempt to force the lift's doors open, causing it to plummet to the bottom of the shaft and killing us both.

Therefore, by process of elimination, I will end up fake married to Trevor. I'm not sure my family will be thrilled by my apparent marriage to a man who lives in a layby in two thirds of a caravan, but it beats dying in a falling lift.

WAIT, HOLD ON, I FORGOT SANDRA AND COWORKER WERE OPTIONS

In that case, I'll get stuck in the lift with Sandra and have Chris as a coworker. Chris is testy and I'm sure we'll rub each other the wrong way sometimes, but I'm also sure he will get his work done and respond to emails. Sandra will complain loudly the whole time we're stuck in the lift, but I can handle that. Again, the crucial thing, for my own safety, is that I do not end up stuck in a lift with Trevor.

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