A friend of mine posed a question for Chris and Dennis: If you were going to pick a play where every member of the Cornley Drama Society had a role that was perfect for them, what would it be like?

Dennis: Robert likes to have an important role. So I suppose he should be a king or something?

Chris: Robert likes causing trouble. Put him in a mid-sized role: not so small he'll be driven to sabotage the production, but not so large he can take over the entire play.

Dennis: Jonathan finds it hard to get onto the set sometimes. So maybe he should do, um. You know, when there's a puppet or something on the stage, and you hear the actor's voice. I used to think it was the puppet talking, but it's a person acting, apparently.

Chris: A voiceover role? That's... that's not a bad idea, actually. I usually just cast him in minor parts to minimise the risk, which is a shame, because he's one of the better actors in the company.

Chris: Vanessa requires predictability, which unfortunately can be hard to come by on the stage. Small role, minimal interaction with props.

Dennis: I think Vanessa would probably like a role where she doesn't have to talk to me.

Chris: (a little sympathetic) Oh, Dennis. (pause) Although I suppose that is true.

Dennis: Sandra and Max both like looking at the audience. So maybe they should be narrators?

Chris: Sandra is good in femme fatale roles. Max... some sort of comic relief character, I suppose. He does like to make the audience laugh; it'd be nice if he could do it only when appropriate.

Dennis: I think I'd cast Annie as the main character.

Chris: The lead? Really?

Dennis: If it's a man, I mean. Annie's good at playing men.

Chris: If you think she's lead material, surely she'd be capable of playing a female lead as well.

Dennis: Sandra wouldn't like it.

Chris: Sandra wouldn't like it, no.

(pause)

Chris: I suppose Annie would be fine in a lead role, although, thinking about it, I'm not sure I've ever cast her as the lead myself. She's a reliable all-rounder, so I tend to give her whatever's left over once I've cast the more... specialised members of the company.

Dennis: I know. She's always complaining about it.

Chris: Is... is she?

Chris: Dennis shouldn't have any lines, ideally.

Dennis: I'd like maybe one line, but I'd need a lot of time to get it right.

Dennis: I think Chris is good at villains.

Chris: I do like playing villains, actually.

Dennis: Because he's scary sometimes.

Chris: Because I - because I'm capable of nuance.

Dennis: Trevor likes being backstage on his phone. Maybe we should do a play about an actor who's always backstage on his phone, and everyone else has to try to get him onto the stage. Oh, but then maybe the phone man would be the main character, so Annie would be playing him.

Chris: You know Trevor's not an actor, don't you?

Dennis: Really? What's he doing here, then?

Chris: I do sometimes ask myself the same question.

Trevor: (calling across the room) Oi, you know we can all hear you, right?

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